Been a long time since I've posted my thoughts, mostly because I've walked through a short valley. No one wants to read the self-centered, self-pitying arguments that have run through my mind. Not that I didn't learn anything in this time. I've learned quite a bit, actually, about my"self"; things that caused me to pause and reevaluate, things that I wish hadn't been brought to light, things that I am glad were revealed to me. I've mulled over many things the past couple of months. I've wanted to cry out in frustration to those around me; to kick and scream and hit out in anger; I've doubted everything I've been taught because all I see are fallen, dying people living on a fallen, dying planet talking at others like they have it all together, when in reality they are just as hurt and lost and untrusting as I am. I've desired to be accepted and appreciated for WHO I am, not WHAT I do. I've wanted to stop doing what I do because I lost sight of the end goal. The valley is a dark place. The shadows are long and dark, the obstacles looming large, the distractions of everyday survival all-consuming. I'm not even sure, at times, if there is an end to the valley.
Then, Someone comes along and sends encouragement. "Though I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear NO evil." "I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future." "Then you will call on Me and I will answer you and show you GREAT things which you do not know." "You hem me in, behind and before, and lay Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it."
And, suddenly, the battle, though long, doesn't seem as intense, if only for a few brief moments. The situation hasn't changed. The enemy still lurks in the shadows, firing dart after dart after flaming dart. The wounds still hurt. The loneliness is still heavy. The doubt still a fog along the path. The shame still hovers. But, the Lord still reigns. He is still victorious, as He was in the beginning and shall be forevermore. The Spirit is still my light, my lamp, my guide. The Word is still my sword, salvation my helmet, and faith my shield.
Father, I am weary of the everyday battle. I admit that, at times, I want to give up the fight. I am weak and cannot do this alone. My mind says just that, that I am alone. But Your Word is true and says that You will never leave me nor forsake me. On this I stand, that Jesus Christ is victorious, that He is my Refuge, my Rock, my Salvation. Help me, God, to fall more and more in love and dependence on the One Who gave Himself for me. Forgive me for being short-sighted and self-centered. You are the One I cling to.
