Enough

I have found in recent years that I really do not enjoy the holiday season. Somewhere around the beginning of November, I begin to sink into the winter doldrums. I don't like the idea of winter weather, cold temperatures, and short days. I don't like all the commercialism, the "buy, buy, buy" mentality that seeps into our culture. I don't like the busy-ness, the re-decorating (only to be taken down after a month), the neighbors trying to "one-up" each other with lights and inflatable yarn ornaments. Sorry, Clark Griswold.
This year, though, I realized what may be the root of my discontent during the holidays. I discovered this year that I turn into a self-centered, self-pitying little brat during the holiday season. I wanted people to notice me, to extend an invitation, to give a gift. I spent more time whining (at least inwardly) that I only got gifts from family, that I didn't have the energy to enjoy spreading JOY this year. I snapped at my family during our get together. I (again, inwardly) resented friends who were having restful, relaxing, fun-filled days with their families. I felt sorry for myself when no one included me on their gift list. I resented close friends for their lack of consideration. I blamed them for ignoring me. Didn't they know that I was hurting inside? Didn't they know I just wanted to be recognized? The more I focused on me, my situation, my feelings, the deeper into loneliness and depression I sunk.
Mark records a teaching that strikes at the heart of this. "And He said, 'What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.'" (Mark 7:20-23, ESV). This passage is part of a teaching to the disciples in which He basically abolishes the idea of clean and unclean foods. But, I don't think that is the main thrust of this teaching. What Jesus is really getting at runs much deeper than physical nourishment. Jesus is telling us that our hearts need to be clean before we start worrying about the food we eat. Our hearts determine what comes out of us in words and in speech. My heart had not been right, and it caused me even more emotional pain than the original situation. Instead of rejoicing that friends had family get togethers and received wonderful gifts, I was wallowing in self-pity that I didn't have those things. Instead of enjoying the time I did have with family and receiving the gifts I did receive, I griped because it wasn't enough. Envy. Selfishness, which is essentially, pride. Coveting. Slander (even if it was internal and never expressed). All of these evil things came out of me.
But there is hope. And, as I sat in service on Christmas Eve, I realized all my negativity was not caused by another person. Rather, I had given in and given up. I let the enemy win ground that he didn't deserve. As I listened to Pastor Dave's sermon, I realized that JESUS CHRIST IS ENOUGH. He is enough to overcome the loneliness that plagues me. He is enough to fill the voids in my heart. He is enough to....

Father, thank You for Your patience with me. I would have given up on me a long time ago. I don't deserve the blessings You HAVE placed in my life, let alone the things I THINK I want. YOU ARE ENOUGH for whatever I face.