Conversations

Yesterday, I was spending time in Promises catching up on a Bible study I'm involved in.  I glanced over at another table and saw a young(er) friend I hadn't seen in a while.  She came over and we chatted, briefly, about life.  We agreed, both being single women, that the availability of eligible bachelors in our town is sorely lacking (key word: eligible).  Not that we are hunting husbands, but more that many of our friends are married with children and we feel left out at times.  Not that marriage solves all problems, or that raising children is always easy.  We're not that naive.  But, we agreed that, sometimes, it would be nice to have companionship.  I told my friend about my recent struggles, and that God is working on my heart in this time.  He may not be providing tangible companionship, but He deepening my relationship with Him.  That's really all that matters, isn't it??
A few minutes after we talked, our worship pastor came in, and I told him about the frustrations I had on Sunday with the soundboard.  He was more than gracious and encouraging, and as the conversation ended on a rather good note.  Sure, it was humbling to admit that I missed a key setting which caused problems during the message--two out of three times.  I learned a long time ago, though, that it is far better to humble myself and admit mistakes than to carry the burden of messing up then lying to save face. 
Today, during my daily walk, a friend and I entered what was probably the best conversation we've had in quite a while.  We talked about the Holy Spirit and how many churches lean far to one end of the spectrum when discussing Him and moving in His guidance.  On one end, you have the naysayers who wouldn't recognize the Holy Spirit if He showed up; and on the other, you have churches who focus so much on the Spirit they would scare Him away.  We talked about the need for balance.  We talked about situations we had been in that caused us discomfort.  We gloried that God, in His sovereignty, has led us both to where we are today, shaping and molding us through good and bad, and that He will use all things for His glory.
And tonight, I had the opportunity to mix it up on the board for a different team.  The powerpoint person was gone, and my arms aren't long enough to reach both the soundboard and computer, so one of the female vocalists came back to run powerpoint.  She is the wife of one of our pastors, and while we have a decent "hi, how are ya?" relationship, I really don't know her all that well.  We ended up having snippets of conversation during down time, going much deeper than I had expected. 

Think about the last few conversations you've had.  Who were they with?  What did you talk about?  What was the setting?  How did you feel afterward? 
What about your last conversation with God?  He is, after all, the one we should turn to first (though, it seems, we turn to Him after we've really messed things up).  He is the one with whom we converse everyday.  And remember, conversations go both ways.  We must LISTEN and speak; not just talk to Him, but listen for Him and watch to see what He shows us. 

Father, thank You for being a God Who cares about me, Who cares enough to listen to my rantings and still reveal Yourself to me when I finally shut up.  Thank You for Cait, Mike, Rachel, and Donna, and for the friendships that have been formed over the last few weeks and years.  And, thank You for allowing me the privilege of knowing You.

One of THOSE Days

I've had one of those mornings...overslept by half-an-hour, last minute changes in song set because one of our vocalists was sick, feedback, mix issues...I could go on.  I was ready to call it quits halfway through the first service.  Then, Pastor Chris began his sermon...on finding our Sabbath rest in God.  I had given the day and the operation of the sound board, to God.  I had humbly asked Him to work through me to create an environment conducive to worship.  Board isn't something that comes naturally to me; I have to work at it.  A lot of my time is spent attempting to focus my ears on what's being heard, not my eyes on what is to be seen.  This can be diffiucult for my short attention span.  Most times, whether at practice on Monday nights or every fourth Sunday when we're up, everything flows naturally.  Today was not one of those days.  I wanted to find another sound person, grab my bag and go hide under a rock somewhere.  I stuck with it, and even though things kept coming up (including tension and a headache), I made it through the morning.  I think I finally exhaled halfway home.
What did I learn in this?  I have to admit that, even though Chris's sermon was good and even though I heard it three times, the message didn't sink in until I got home.  The idea of Sabbath rest is not to be enforced in a legalistic manner.  I know people (heck, I'll admit to at one time being one) that refuse to shop or eat out on Sundays in hopes that those businesses will lose business and close on those days.  I know people that will turn down jobs or create problems with employers over working on Sundays (I'll admit, I'm still one of those people, in a way).  Really, as with many things of Scripture, it comes down to the HEART of the issue.  Are we taking time to remember God and rest? 
One of Chris's statements stuck with me today:  "If we don't live by priorities, we will live by pressures."  And, boy, did I feel the pressure today.  My priority--creating an atmosphere of worship by mixing sound components and regulating audio levels--was over-shadowed by the pressure of being  perfect, of getting it right, of trying to impress.  What a reminder. 

Father, forgive me for losing sight of the REAL reason I do what I do.  Forgive me for trying to please man, for wanting to receive compliments that fade.  Help me, Lord, to rest in You, to allow You to do the work.  Refresh this soul, Lord.  Help me to understand more and more that the Sabbath was created for man, and not man for the Sabbath.

This song has been on my mind a lot for the last few days. You can listen to it on grooveshark.com by typing the title in the search box.

Whatever You're Doing

Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

 

I am in this place. God is revealing a lot of junk. He is showing me more of Himself and drawing me closer to Him. I don't know what the next step is. I'm excited, anxious, nervous, even confused at times. But praise Him, for He is faithful. Praise Him, for His thoughts and ways are higher than my thoughts and ways (Isaiah 55:8, 9).

Rediscovering

I had one of those moments the other night--you know, when all you've been taught finally sinks in and becomes part of who you are.  I had gone to bed a little later than I had wanted to, and my mind was racing from thought to thought.  In the midst of these random, and often pointless, wanderings, I realized something quite profound--profound enough that I had to roll over and turn the light on to journal (the last thing I wanted to do at midnight).
One thing that has hindered my walk with Christ for the fifteen years I've truly followed Him is the fact of God's love.  Huh?  How could the fact of God's love hinder my walk with Christ?  Isn't that the reason we follow Him?  Isn't that the reason we worship?  Isn't that the reason we die to ourselves and take up His cross?  I'm not saying I haven't accepted His love and forgiveness with my whole heart, because I have.  I'm not saying I haven't shared His love with others, because I have.  I am saying that, perhaps for the first time, I realized Sunday night that I have projected my personal experiences with love onto God.  I can tell you the difference in eros, phileo, and agape.  I can (kind of) describe hesed.  But I had never realized depth of God's true love for us because of the imperfect love we receive on earth.  Earthly love, as I have experienced it, comes with demands, expectations, rejection, abandonment, and death.  A boyfriend demands physical love, even when you know it's wrong, then rejects you when you deny him what he wants.  A parent may abandon you through divorce or neglect.  A dear friend, one you've looked to as a father or mother figure or as a sister or brother, passes away.
In my life, my fiance said one minute he wanted to develop a relationship with Jesus and the next wanted to engage in things I was trying to remove from my life.  My father divorced my mother, remarried and moved three thousand miles away.  Twenty-two years later, our relationship hasn't recovered.  The men I looked to as grandfather ("uncle" Gil) and father (Dave) have entered heaven.  I've viewed God's love as one that requires us to "do" something to receive.  I've questioned and doubted in times of discipline.  I've viewed His love as something that I have to work to earn.  Then, in the quiet of the night as thoughts chased away sleep, I realized that I can no longer do this.  I can no longer project what is of the world onto the Creator of that world.  I can no longer view perfect love as imperfect.
I was listening to the radio yesterday and the song "Rediscover You" by Starfield came on.  I had never heard the song before, but the lyrics captured my attention immediately. 

You told me

Look for You and I will find

So I'm here

Like I'm searching for the first time

Revive me, Jesus

Make this cold heart start to move

Help me rediscover You

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and  pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." (Jeremiah 29:11-14, ESV, emphasis mine)

Father, thank you for bringing to light my false assumptions of love, especially Your love.  Forgive me for projecting the imperfect onto Your perfection.  Help me to see Your love, for myself and for others.  Help me to love You, others, and myself as You truly love.  Thank You that You have plans for me, and that You promise to hear me and show Yourself to me.  Help me to walk according to these plans.

You shall not murder

For the last few weeks, Pastors Dave and Chris have been teaching on "God's loving instruction brings freedom to His children"--the Ten Commandments.  They're going through the commandments backwards.  A couple of weeks ago, Dave preached on "You shall not bear false witness."  He talked about the truth and what we perceive as truth, and that when we proclaim our perceptions as truth, then we are bearing false witness.  For example, "Jim" is late for work.  "Beth" grumbles about how lazy Jim is and how he is always late.  Their boss "Steve" talks with Jim later in the day and discovers that Jim had a flat tire on the way to work, and that is why he was late.  The TRUTH in the situation is that Jim was late for work.  The PERCEPTION is that Beth said Jim was lazy.  Beth bore false witness toward Jim when she said that he was lazy.
So, anyway, back to my story.  As Dave preached a couple of weeks ago, I knew that I had been bearing false witness against another pastor.  The TRUTH of this situation is that we disagree on several issues.  The PERCEPTION I had been (ugh!) slandering was that he personally attacked me and couldn't care less about it.  The TRUTH was I had allowed my perceived hurts to grow into anger, resentment, and bitterness.  I knew then I needed to go and make amends...and didn't do it.
Fast forward to yesterday.  Chris preached on "you shall not murder."  An easy one, right?  Not when we look at Christ's definition of murder.  "You have heard that is was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.' But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire.  So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go.  First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:21-24, ESV, emphasis mine)  OUCH!  I knew that I had to go to this pastor, confess, and reconcile.  I had thought, well, I can lay out my complaints and tell him why I felt this way.  But, then I realized that if I were to truly let it go, those things didn't matter.  What truly mattered was going to him, telling him what I need forgiveness for (anger, bitterness, slander), and then receiving forgiveness from him (if he offered it, which he did) and from God.  So I did, and I was able to worship with that body of believers with a clean heart for the first time in over a year.
"God's loving intstruction brings freedom to His children."  What is weighing you down?  In what areas are you bound by sin?  Allow God to teach you His truth, then act on it.  That, my friends, brings freedom.

Honesty

I'm desperate.  In many ways, I am beyond desire.  I am desperate.  There are longings in my heart that can't be fulfilled, thoughts on my mind that can't be controlled, troubles in my path that can't be overcome; and sometimes, I wonder if even God can or will.  Sometimes I wonder what I've done to get here, and how do I find the way back.  I look at people around me and wonder "am I normal" or "why can't I be more like them."  Like Naomi, Hannah, Job, and others in the Bible, I scream and yell and cry and blame God for my situation in life.  I question His sovereignty, His goodness, His faithfulness, His love.  Sometimes, when I'm at my weakest, most desperate place, I even question His forgiveness, grace, and mercy.  Tonight is one of those times when I'm doing a lot of questioning and blaming and yelling.  It's one of those times when I wonder what in the world did I do so wrong to deserve this loneliness, this job I both love and hate, this financial crisis.  Where is God's blessing?  Where is His presence?  Where is His mercy and grace and love and provision?

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.  Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your strength is renewed like the eagle's."  (Psalm 103:1-5, ESV)

I know I've used this passage before, and I'm sure I'll use it again.  But I've meditated on it, memorized it, and it has changed my thinking.  I'm not saying that there won't be bad days.  I'm not saying life will get easier.  I'm not saying there won't be times of drought, despair, or depression.  The good news is that all these struggles WILL die.  The loneliness will be fulfilled.  The needs will be provided for.  The peace will come.  I need to remember that EVERY moment of every day--"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling..."Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."  (Psalm 46:1-3, 10-11, ESV)

Perfect Strength

I can't exactly pinpoint when it happened.  It may have been early last week when I wrote down all the questions I have for God, being honest with Him about some things I'd been stewing over (much like Naomi when she blamed God, or Hannah, or Job).  It may have been Monday as I drove to Kankakee and determined to NOT allow the devil to steal my joy ("Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.  Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits..." Ps. 103:1,2 ESV).  Or, it may have happened as I have been listening to Kim Walker and experiencing, once again, the power and presence of the Holy Spirit in everyday life.  Whenever it was, I have begun to feel a peace that surpasses my understanding--that in the troubles of life, God is my refuge, my strength in times of trouble. 
I've prayed for a long time that God would "give me a break"--in my career, in my finances, in my singleness, in relationships.  Only in recent months has He begun to do that with friendships I've been blessed with in recent months.  The other areas?  Well, let's just say that we're still working on them.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:8-10, ESV)
As we walk this journey called life, the road will not be easy.  We all face difficulties--some major tests of faith and others minor irritiations that get under our skin (I've realized my troubles are nothing compared to the cancer, the marital difficulties, the childlessness that various friends are facing)--but the "thorns" God allows us to face are not the focus of our lives.  Our focus is to be on the One who gives us the "power that is made perfect in weakness." 

Gracious Father, thank You for the opportunity to praise You at all times, even when I don't "feel" like it.  When life doesn't make any sense at all, You are there in the midst of the confusion, offering shelter for a weary soul.  Forgive me for my short-sightedness, my selfishness, my self-pity that has hindered or damaged relationships.  Help me today, Lord, to see You in all things, to grow in understanding of what You are doing in and around me.  I want to live my life for You.