Honesty

I'm desperate.  In many ways, I am beyond desire.  I am desperate.  There are longings in my heart that can't be fulfilled, thoughts on my mind that can't be controlled, troubles in my path that can't be overcome; and sometimes, I wonder if even God can or will.  Sometimes I wonder what I've done to get here, and how do I find the way back.  I look at people around me and wonder "am I normal" or "why can't I be more like them."  Like Naomi, Hannah, Job, and others in the Bible, I scream and yell and cry and blame God for my situation in life.  I question His sovereignty, His goodness, His faithfulness, His love.  Sometimes, when I'm at my weakest, most desperate place, I even question His forgiveness, grace, and mercy.  Tonight is one of those times when I'm doing a lot of questioning and blaming and yelling.  It's one of those times when I wonder what in the world did I do so wrong to deserve this loneliness, this job I both love and hate, this financial crisis.  Where is God's blessing?  Where is His presence?  Where is His mercy and grace and love and provision?

"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name.  Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your strength is renewed like the eagle's."  (Psalm 103:1-5, ESV)

I know I've used this passage before, and I'm sure I'll use it again.  But I've meditated on it, memorized it, and it has changed my thinking.  I'm not saying that there won't be bad days.  I'm not saying life will get easier.  I'm not saying there won't be times of drought, despair, or depression.  The good news is that all these struggles WILL die.  The loneliness will be fulfilled.  The needs will be provided for.  The peace will come.  I need to remember that EVERY moment of every day--"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling..."Be still, and know that I am God.  I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"  The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."  (Psalm 46:1-3, 10-11, ESV)