Rediscovering

I had one of those moments the other night--you know, when all you've been taught finally sinks in and becomes part of who you are.  I had gone to bed a little later than I had wanted to, and my mind was racing from thought to thought.  In the midst of these random, and often pointless, wanderings, I realized something quite profound--profound enough that I had to roll over and turn the light on to journal (the last thing I wanted to do at midnight).
One thing that has hindered my walk with Christ for the fifteen years I've truly followed Him is the fact of God's love.  Huh?  How could the fact of God's love hinder my walk with Christ?  Isn't that the reason we follow Him?  Isn't that the reason we worship?  Isn't that the reason we die to ourselves and take up His cross?  I'm not saying I haven't accepted His love and forgiveness with my whole heart, because I have.  I'm not saying I haven't shared His love with others, because I have.  I am saying that, perhaps for the first time, I realized Sunday night that I have projected my personal experiences with love onto God.  I can tell you the difference in eros, phileo, and agape.  I can (kind of) describe hesed.  But I had never realized depth of God's true love for us because of the imperfect love we receive on earth.  Earthly love, as I have experienced it, comes with demands, expectations, rejection, abandonment, and death.  A boyfriend demands physical love, even when you know it's wrong, then rejects you when you deny him what he wants.  A parent may abandon you through divorce or neglect.  A dear friend, one you've looked to as a father or mother figure or as a sister or brother, passes away.
In my life, my fiance said one minute he wanted to develop a relationship with Jesus and the next wanted to engage in things I was trying to remove from my life.  My father divorced my mother, remarried and moved three thousand miles away.  Twenty-two years later, our relationship hasn't recovered.  The men I looked to as grandfather ("uncle" Gil) and father (Dave) have entered heaven.  I've viewed God's love as one that requires us to "do" something to receive.  I've questioned and doubted in times of discipline.  I've viewed His love as something that I have to work to earn.  Then, in the quiet of the night as thoughts chased away sleep, I realized that I can no longer do this.  I can no longer project what is of the world onto the Creator of that world.  I can no longer view perfect love as imperfect.
I was listening to the radio yesterday and the song "Rediscover You" by Starfield came on.  I had never heard the song before, but the lyrics captured my attention immediately. 

You told me

Look for You and I will find

So I'm here

Like I'm searching for the first time

Revive me, Jesus

Make this cold heart start to move

Help me rediscover You

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and  pray to me, and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile." (Jeremiah 29:11-14, ESV, emphasis mine)

Father, thank you for bringing to light my false assumptions of love, especially Your love.  Forgive me for projecting the imperfect onto Your perfection.  Help me to see Your love, for myself and for others.  Help me to love You, others, and myself as You truly love.  Thank You that You have plans for me, and that You promise to hear me and show Yourself to me.  Help me to walk according to these plans.