I had a few interesting things happen today. Definitely not huge or profound in any way, but things that showed me, once again, the sovereignty of our mighty, loving God.
I've been feeling unworthy of the amazing grace that God pours out on us--not in humble realization of being a sinner in need of a Savior, but more of questioning whether I'm "cut out" to be a Christian. One reason is constant struggle with sin and knowing that I am walking in disobedience, yet unable to shake the sinful habits. Another reason is that I'm too analytical, especially given long days of nothing to do. My mind takes off in a hundred different directions, often the wrong directions. But, today, through several people and the words of a song, I realize that, despite my confusion and doubt, God loves and cherishes me. He rains His mercy and grace and love down on me, and nothing can change that.
As I sat sipping my coffee and reading at Promises this morning, a friend texted the first five verses of Psalm 103, along with a note of encouragement. "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's." (Psalm 103:1-5, ESV, emphasis mine)
Shortly after returning home, I opened my devotional, and this passage caught my eye: "...remember who you are--not a special being made up in heaven, but a sinner saved by grace." (O. Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest)
This evening, we practiced a "new" song (for our church, anyway) for our next set. I know the song, and it is one of my favorites. While I could put the whole song here, I'll just include a couple of lines that struck a chord with me tonight (no pun intended): "In the chaos, in confusion, I know You're sovereign still. In the moment of my weakness, You give me grace to do Your will." (None But Jesus--Hillsong United)
Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness in the midst of my confusion. Thank you that forgive, heal, redeem, and satisfy this weary soul. Help me, Lord, to remember Your steadfast love for me, even when I don't feel it, or feel worthy of it. Lead me in Your everlasting grace, break down this stubborn heart so that I may walk freely in Your grace.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Around the mountain...again.
Disclaimer: I'm going to be transparent here. Don't be surprised.
I spent last week helping a friend with a week of camp. I knew going in that the week would be hot, tiring, and rewarding. I also knew that some of my habits, good and bad, would be left behind for six days. The good habits--walking everyday, reading, and Bible study--were easily adapted for camp. The bad habits (okay, transparency here--smoking) would, hopefully, be broken. I arranged for a few friends to keep me accountable via text messaging, and though the week was hard, I was okay. Until I had to stop for gas on the way home. And had more cash than I anticipated. And little self-control. My actions had been amended during the week, but my mindset had not. My friends had encouraged me, but I failed to check-in on the way home and call for support when I needed it most. Chalk that up to pride and self-sufficiency. This is not a new struggle for me. As a matter of fact, it's one I've wanted to be rid of for several years (yes, years) now. It's not something I let others see (as a matter of fact, it's probably news to many of you). So now, not only am I back to square one, I'm disappointed in myself, maybe even a little angry. I'm reminded of what used to be a confusing passage for me: Romans 7. To sum it up, Paul establishes that the law is good because it reveals to us exactly what sin is. Without the law, we wouldn't know what sin is. He writes that he agrees with the law, and that he wants to follow the law, but his flesh causes him to sin. He ends the chapter with this: "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." (Romans 7:24-8:2, ESV) I could go on, but I'll let you continue in Romans 8 for yourself.
Am I saying that smoking, in and of itself, is a sin? No. But, the stewardship issues (money, health, etc.) and the disobedience to His prompting are. I mentioned that I'm disappointed, even angry, with myself. I'm disappointed because I had "an out" and didn't take it. I could have called any number of friends, yet I didn't. I could have walked in, paid for the gas and a Coke and walked out. But I didn't. I blew what was the best opportunity to kick this thing that I've had in a long time.
As disappointed as I am, I also know that God's love for me surpasses my bad habits. I know that He sees past that into the heart of the person that I am, the woman He created me to be.
What do you struggle with? It may not be physical addictions. It may be gossip, lying, or any number of things. Let me encourage you to find an accountability partner/group--and USE IT. Be vulnerable and authentic. Be honest. Most of all, allow God to heal.
Maybe I should take my own advice...
I spent last week helping a friend with a week of camp. I knew going in that the week would be hot, tiring, and rewarding. I also knew that some of my habits, good and bad, would be left behind for six days. The good habits--walking everyday, reading, and Bible study--were easily adapted for camp. The bad habits (okay, transparency here--smoking) would, hopefully, be broken. I arranged for a few friends to keep me accountable via text messaging, and though the week was hard, I was okay. Until I had to stop for gas on the way home. And had more cash than I anticipated. And little self-control. My actions had been amended during the week, but my mindset had not. My friends had encouraged me, but I failed to check-in on the way home and call for support when I needed it most. Chalk that up to pride and self-sufficiency. This is not a new struggle for me. As a matter of fact, it's one I've wanted to be rid of for several years (yes, years) now. It's not something I let others see (as a matter of fact, it's probably news to many of you). So now, not only am I back to square one, I'm disappointed in myself, maybe even a little angry. I'm reminded of what used to be a confusing passage for me: Romans 7. To sum it up, Paul establishes that the law is good because it reveals to us exactly what sin is. Without the law, we wouldn't know what sin is. He writes that he agrees with the law, and that he wants to follow the law, but his flesh causes him to sin. He ends the chapter with this: "Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." (Romans 7:24-8:2, ESV) I could go on, but I'll let you continue in Romans 8 for yourself.
Am I saying that smoking, in and of itself, is a sin? No. But, the stewardship issues (money, health, etc.) and the disobedience to His prompting are. I mentioned that I'm disappointed, even angry, with myself. I'm disappointed because I had "an out" and didn't take it. I could have called any number of friends, yet I didn't. I could have walked in, paid for the gas and a Coke and walked out. But I didn't. I blew what was the best opportunity to kick this thing that I've had in a long time.
As disappointed as I am, I also know that God's love for me surpasses my bad habits. I know that He sees past that into the heart of the person that I am, the woman He created me to be.
What do you struggle with? It may not be physical addictions. It may be gossip, lying, or any number of things. Let me encourage you to find an accountability partner/group--and USE IT. Be vulnerable and authentic. Be honest. Most of all, allow God to heal.
Maybe I should take my own advice...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Where's the Fridge?
I was over at a friend's house the other night, just hanging out and showing off my new hair cut. This particular family is new to the area and I've only known them about six weeks. This was the third time I've been to their home. She offered something to drink, then pointed to the fridge. "There it is," she said.
This is not a profound statement. She was merely pointing out where I could find a bottle of water. However, I had just, that day, finished a book entitled "Refrigerator Rights." Think about it. Of all the people you know--family, friends, co-workers, etc.--with how many do you have refrigerator rights? In how many homes are you so welcome that you can help yourself to whatever is available, without asking (don't count your own home here)? I count six--including my brother's home. Six people that I am so close to, that I can grab a soda or glass of milk without asking or being offered. One of those is my brother. Another is a friend with whom I lived for two years, and another is friends I lived with for a few months after a flood. Not counting them, family and places I've lived, the number of "refrigerator rights" I have decreases by half--to three.
Refrigerator rights suggest that you have developed a close, intimate relationship with a person. Close enough that they feel comfortable allowing you into their kitchen, letting you see the crumbs on the counter and dirty dishes in the sink. Close enough that they have opened the door to the fridge, allowing you to see inside. This extends to beyond the refrigerator. They have allowed you to see inside their masks, to see the "real" them. The 6 a.m.-and-I-don't-really-want-to-be-walking-two-miles-this-morning them; the I'm-really-having-a-crappy-day them. The I-don't-have-it-together them.
Close relationships take time to develop. Unfortunately, those of us forty-ish and under have been raised in the "microwave" culture--I want it NOW. We don't like to wait, we don't want to put the time and effort into developing anything, especially relationships with people. I've discovered that of myself. I meet a new person, determine if I can trust them, then jump right in and want to bare my struggles and weaknesses. This only presents myself as a complainer and "downer", which pushes people away. So much for the microwave. So, I've decided that, with some new relationships I'm developing, that I will back off and allow true closeness develop. A diamond takes years to form. Any close relationship is worth the effort and time it needs to develop.
God created us social beings. I think when He created Adam and Eve, He meant more than marriage when He said "it is not good for man to be alone." We need each other. I need you, and you need me (and if not me, then someone else), to share life's burdens and joys.
[For more on the concept of refrigerator rights, read Refrigerator Rights by Drs. Will Miller and Glenn Sparks (Willow Creek Publications)]
This is not a profound statement. She was merely pointing out where I could find a bottle of water. However, I had just, that day, finished a book entitled "Refrigerator Rights." Think about it. Of all the people you know--family, friends, co-workers, etc.--with how many do you have refrigerator rights? In how many homes are you so welcome that you can help yourself to whatever is available, without asking (don't count your own home here)? I count six--including my brother's home. Six people that I am so close to, that I can grab a soda or glass of milk without asking or being offered. One of those is my brother. Another is a friend with whom I lived for two years, and another is friends I lived with for a few months after a flood. Not counting them, family and places I've lived, the number of "refrigerator rights" I have decreases by half--to three.
Refrigerator rights suggest that you have developed a close, intimate relationship with a person. Close enough that they feel comfortable allowing you into their kitchen, letting you see the crumbs on the counter and dirty dishes in the sink. Close enough that they have opened the door to the fridge, allowing you to see inside. This extends to beyond the refrigerator. They have allowed you to see inside their masks, to see the "real" them. The 6 a.m.-and-I-don't-really-want-to-be-walking-two-miles-this-morning them; the I'm-really-having-a-crappy-day them. The I-don't-have-it-together them.
Close relationships take time to develop. Unfortunately, those of us forty-ish and under have been raised in the "microwave" culture--I want it NOW. We don't like to wait, we don't want to put the time and effort into developing anything, especially relationships with people. I've discovered that of myself. I meet a new person, determine if I can trust them, then jump right in and want to bare my struggles and weaknesses. This only presents myself as a complainer and "downer", which pushes people away. So much for the microwave. So, I've decided that, with some new relationships I'm developing, that I will back off and allow true closeness develop. A diamond takes years to form. Any close relationship is worth the effort and time it needs to develop.
God created us social beings. I think when He created Adam and Eve, He meant more than marriage when He said "it is not good for man to be alone." We need each other. I need you, and you need me (and if not me, then someone else), to share life's burdens and joys.
[For more on the concept of refrigerator rights, read Refrigerator Rights by Drs. Will Miller and Glenn Sparks (Willow Creek Publications)]
Monday, June 14, 2010
You shall not covet
It's that time again...my cell contract is up and I'm eligible for "great discounts and select offers" from my provider. One of the offers recently was an iPhone for less than $100. Of course, this meant an upgrade on my cell bill, as well--$15/month for a data plan.
My computer is a little dated and the backlight is out, so I need to replace it (the computer), right?
My car has 130,000 miles on it, needs a few repairs, and doesn't get the gas mileage I'd like. Time to trade in, don't ya think?
Most of my friends are married and have children. Shouldn't I be finding that "special some one"?
My job isn't what I want it to be...time to consider a career change?
"You shall not covet [desire] your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's." (Exodus 20:17, ESV) You shall not desire the new 4th gen iPhone; you shall not desire a new Macbook, a different car, a husband/family, or anything that is not yours.
Pastor Dave made an interesting observation in his teaching yesterday. He said that the first commandment ("You shall have no other gods before me") and the last ("You shall not covet...") form bookends around the remaining eight commandments. Think about it...when we desire that which we do not have, then we are placing undue value on that object, making it a god. I've walked a slippery path recently, one I thought I was doing good at avoiding. Unfortunately, it's a slippery path. I've even justified my journey on this path with scripture. I want to be married. I want a husband who will love me and whom I can love. I want children who will learn to love God. I want companionship, leadership, and all the things that come with being married. I want this so much, it has clouded my thinking for a few weeks. I've found myself pulling away from friends who are married, even as I watch how godly husbands lead and love their families. I've found myself sinking into a bit of a depression and self-pity because I do not have that which I THINK I need. I've placed marriage before me as an idol, instead of focusing on the relationships I have and need to grow--including (and most importantly) my relationship with God.
My old cell phone works just fine. I really don't need to be constantly connected to the Internet anyway.
My computer runs fine, and the borrowed desktop monitor is serving its purpose.
My car still gets me from point A to point B. I really like it, anyway.
My job really is pretty good, I have great benefits and I love working with the children.
My computer is a little dated and the backlight is out, so I need to replace it (the computer), right?
My car has 130,000 miles on it, needs a few repairs, and doesn't get the gas mileage I'd like. Time to trade in, don't ya think?
Most of my friends are married and have children. Shouldn't I be finding that "special some one"?
My job isn't what I want it to be...time to consider a career change?
"You shall not covet [desire] your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's." (Exodus 20:17, ESV) You shall not desire the new 4th gen iPhone; you shall not desire a new Macbook, a different car, a husband/family, or anything that is not yours.
Pastor Dave made an interesting observation in his teaching yesterday. He said that the first commandment ("You shall have no other gods before me") and the last ("You shall not covet...") form bookends around the remaining eight commandments. Think about it...when we desire that which we do not have, then we are placing undue value on that object, making it a god. I've walked a slippery path recently, one I thought I was doing good at avoiding. Unfortunately, it's a slippery path. I've even justified my journey on this path with scripture. I want to be married. I want a husband who will love me and whom I can love. I want children who will learn to love God. I want companionship, leadership, and all the things that come with being married. I want this so much, it has clouded my thinking for a few weeks. I've found myself pulling away from friends who are married, even as I watch how godly husbands lead and love their families. I've found myself sinking into a bit of a depression and self-pity because I do not have that which I THINK I need. I've placed marriage before me as an idol, instead of focusing on the relationships I have and need to grow--including (and most importantly) my relationship with God.
My old cell phone works just fine. I really don't need to be constantly connected to the Internet anyway.
My computer runs fine, and the borrowed desktop monitor is serving its purpose.
My car still gets me from point A to point B. I really like it, anyway.
My job really is pretty good, I have great benefits and I love working with the children.
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